Diseases And Treatments
Here’s a complete list of the comical diseases found in Theme Hospital, what causes them, and how to treat them.
Treated By The Pharmacy
Invisibility
Cause – Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant
Symptoms – Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families
Cure – A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability
Discrete Itching
Cause – Tiny insects with sharp teeth
Symptoms – Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation
Cure – Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching
Transparency
Cause – Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots
Symptoms – Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible
Cure – A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease
Uncommon Cold
Cause – Small particles of snot in the air
Symptoms – Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs
Cure – A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this
Broken Wind
Cause – Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal
Symptoms – Upsetting the people directly behind the patient
Cure – A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy
Sleeping Illness
Cause – Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth
Symptoms – Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere
Cure – A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse
Corrugated Ankles
Cause – Driving over traffic calming measures in road
Symptoms – Footwear does not fit snugly
Cure – A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles
Chronic Nosehair
Cause – Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient
Symptoms – Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in
Cure – A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy
Gastric Ejections
Cause – Spicy Mexican or Indian food
Symptoms – Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters
Cure – Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected
The Squits
Cause – Eating pizza found under the cooker
Symptoms – Ugh. Surely you can guess
Cure – A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards
Heaped Piles
Cause – Standing around by water coolers
Symptoms – Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles
Cure – A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside
Gut Rot
Cause – Mrs. O’Malley’s Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture
Symptoms – No cough but no stomach-wall lining either
Cure – A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum
Treated By A Psychiatrist
King Complex
Caused by the spirit of the King entering the patient’s mind and taking over
Symptoms – Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers
Cure – A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks
3rd Degree Sideburns
Cause – Wistful longing for the 1970S
Symptoms – Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up
Cure – The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish
Fake Blood
Cause – Patient usually subject of practical joke
Symptoms – Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing
Cure – Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem
TV Personalities
Cause – Daytime television
Symptoms – Delusions of being able to present a cookery show
Cure – A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio
Infectious Laughter
Cause – Classic situation comedy
Symptoms – Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases
Cure – A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is
Sweaty Palms
Cause – Fear of job interviews
Symptoms – Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge
Cure – A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease
Treated In The Operating Theater
Spare Ribs
Cause – Sitting on cold stone floors
Symptoms – Unpleasant feeling of chestiness
Cure – These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag
Kidney Beans
Cause – Crunching up ice cubes in drinks
Symptoms – Pain and frequent trips to the toilet
Cure – Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney
Broken Heart
Cause – Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient
Symptoms – Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos
Cure – Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath
Ruptured Nodules
Cause – Bungee jumping in cold weather
Symptoms – Inability to sit down in comfort
Cure – Two qualified Surgeons must removed the nodules using steady hands
Iron Lungs
Cause – Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains
Symptoms – Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater
Cure – Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre
Golf Stones
Cause – Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls
Symptoms – Delirium and advanced shame
Cure -These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons
Unexpected Swelling
Cause – Anything unexpected
Symptom – Swelling
Cure – The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons
Treated In A Clinic Room
Bloaty Head (Inflation)
Cause – Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater
Symptoms – Very uncomfortable for the sufferer
Cure – The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine
Hairyitis (Electrolysis)
Cause – Prolonged exposure to the moon
Symptoms – Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell
Cure – An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores
Serious Radiation (Decontamination)
Cause – Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum
Symptoms – Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell
Cure – The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly
Slack Tongue (Slack Tongue Clinic)
Cause – Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas
Symptoms – Tongue swells to five times its original length
Cure – The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully
Alien DNA (DNA Fixer)
Cause – Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood
Symptoms – Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities
Cure – The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly
Fractured Bones (Fracture Clinic)
Cause – Falling off high things onto concrete
Symptoms – Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs
Cure – The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine
Baldness (Hair Restoration)
Cause – Telling lies and making up stories to be popular
Symptoms – Shiny-headedness and embarrassment
Cure – Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient’s head using a painful machine
Jellyitis (Jelly Vat)
Cause – Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise
Symptoms – Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot
Cure – The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit